Planning the First Child

Oh, yes! From the moment, you and your partner decide to have a child you have that flutter of butterflies in your stomach. Almost like the giggle of school-girls hiding a secret. This is something only you and your partner are privy to. You two have a secret!

The first month of your TTC (trying to conceive), you will feel jittery, nervous after every time you two are together (have sex, that is). But believe me, 99 % of the times nothing happens. I mean a lot of things happen but not pregnancy. Clearly, you are nervous and you feel on the edge all the time. Maybe you miss your period by a day and you feel bloated, you feel pukish and your breasts are sore. Therefore, you google your symptoms and become pregnant mentally. However, please, please do yourself a favor, get a pregnancy test kit and do the test. Believe the test results and if you have more concerns, please consult your doctor.

Of course, there is that 1% of the population who are so fertile that the mere sharing of the bed or the dancing of the flowers (as pictured in Bollywood movies) can make them pregnant. Their journey to pregnancy ends here and we will not talk about these lucky few but about the rest of the masses, like you and me, who have to work hard to get what they want ;)

Parenthood can be achieved in a number of ways. Howsoever you achieve it, it is no mean a feat and you will feel immense pride at having created or caring for another little human. Broadly speaking, we categorize:

Biological / Natural Reproduction: Reproduction that happens when a female egg is fertilized by a male sperm through the act of sexual intercourse. 

Assisted Reproduction: Reproduction that happens when either: the female egg is fertilized by the help of clinical methods with the male sperm, as in IUI; or the embryo is created in a lab and transferred back to the female as in IVF. I’m not a doctor or someone qualified enough to talk into details about these procedures.

Surrogacy: Reproduction that happens when a separate womb is utilized to grow an embryo from a different set of parents. There are multiple details here and again you will have to check with a qualified professional to get more information on the same.

Adoption: If spoken as a layman, these children are born from the heart and not the womb. Children are adopted after going through adoption agencies and a lot of legal paperwork and some counselling, I believe. Again, not qualified enough about this to elaborate more on the same.

So, these are grossly the ways in which you can become a parent. Pause for a little bit. Why exactly do you want to become a parent? Is it because all your friends have kids? Is it because you are on the wrong side of 30? Or, is it because you want to take advantage of your collected leaves at work? Is it because you are married for a long time now and friends and family are after your life for a kid? Or, is it because you really need a kid to fix your marriage? Really?

The reason for wanting kids, I feel, should be to have more people like you and your partner in your lives. It is because you love each other and want to raise a kid together, who will be an amalgamation of you two. Don’t you think so? If I can’t stand my partner, I will certainly not want my progeny to have some of his characteristics. If that is the case, stop reading this blog and look for actual relationship advice or some legal advice, maybe!

In my opinion, the first step to becoming a parent is actually to become a couple again. There are some (or maybe, few) couples, who are always in love and always in awe of each other but I think they usually fall within that 1% of the population, whom we stopped talking about some time back. So yes for the majority of us, the love has to be nurtured back to life. We need to be reminded why we are together in the first place. We have a life together because we wanted it that way.

I know it is hard, especially if you two are married for some time now. You already know each other too much and getting all dreamy eyed about each other is just not possible. Why not treat this as a mental exercise.

Whatever happens throughout the day, make it a point to resolve it before you sleep. Whenever you are filled with negative feelings about your partner, try to focus on, at least, one of his / her good qualities. This is not easy at all. The thing is that: you are in this together and raising a kid between two warring parents is not pleasant at all. Whichever way (listed above) you choose to or have to become parents, remember that you two created this life. You two are responsible for taking care of this life and so yes, you need to be on the same page.

Also, keep his family out of it and if possible yours too. It’s a couple thing, remember? Certainly steer clear of people, who take it upon themselves to let you know how easily they conceived a child or became parents. Uh huh…you don’t need that kind negative thoughts in your life. Focus… Focus at the task in hand…I mean your partner in life! J

Best of luck and see you soon!

[P.S: I’m omitting the topic of single parents here, frankly because I do not have any personal experience of the same. I cannot begin to fathom the amount of extra work, love, time, compassion and patience they have to show to carry off the responsibility of parenthood singlehandedly!]